Emerging into spring

the slow unfurling

This year’s focus is building upon the slow but steady growth of last year, both introspectively and creatively: looking inwards, healing, self-acceptance, living for myself. For as long as I can remember, I have been hyper-conscious of how people perceive me - too quiet, too shy, too boring, the weird one, too academic, not good at sports, not thin enough, not pretty enough, not strong enough, not funny enough, and so on. Oh, the list was endless. Combining this with a fear of abandonment and unhealthy coping mechanisms (food control, exercise control, self-harm), my self-esteem was always low. My comfort zone has always been staying in the background, being quiet and unassuming, deflecting all attention from myself. I think that’s why I hesitated for so long to start writing and sharing my work, with the fear of being noticed, judged and seen. Being a naturally sensitive person, you take negative situations to heart. Cue December 2023, when I had just had enough of everything, of trying to please everyone else, but situations not working out anyway. I remember sitting on my favourite bench which overlooks the sea, letting the fierce wind rip through my soul. Something changed inside me that month, and I decided that it was time to stop living in the shadows, to stop people-pleasing, and to just simply be myself. This way of living for countless years was burning me to the ground, defeating me. Be my own best friend the wind whispered to me. It has been a long process, unlearning thinking patterns, sitting with myself, exploring emotions, but it has been so rewarding to finally accept that exactly who I am is perfectly good-enough. Reactions to things either stem from fear or love. I found this quite profound, and before I react to something (such as a message being ignored, or someone being rude to me) I now look at why they may be reacting that way. The only actions you can control are your own. This has been quite hard to accept, but ultimately it is freeing to just let go of the stress and anxiety of other people's behaviour.

After over a year of daily meditations now, really for the first time ever, I fully accept myself, I know that I am good enough exactly as I am, and the things that matter to me now are kindness, calmness, inner peace, and authenticity. The simplicity of sitting, closing your eyes, focusing on the breath, feeling anchored, allowing thoughts to come and go without judgement, embracing self-love, compassion, acceptance of all, and forgiving both myself and others really does forge a peaceful way of life.

As spring is slowly arriving here in the UK, I feel myself gently unfurling towards the spring light. I marvel at how quickly the light has returned, with the sky now starting to get light before 6am, and still being light after I finish work at 6pm. Nature is my solace, comfort, guide and love.

It’s always a sheer delight to see the fresh, tender leaves returning to the bare branches, the beautiful spring flowers emerging, merrily swaying their heads in the breeze. The light feels brighter and warmer, inviting us outside with its embrace. The fresh energy vibrates within my soul, awakening the desire to open the windows, tend to the garden, air the washing on the line, and just enjoy the moment of the earth gradually awakening from its winter slumber.

The robins seem to always be present, their beautiful songs lifting my spirits. I was overjoyed to spot the little owl in the photo of the rocks above, thanks to a local bird spotting website that I follow. It’s such a simple thing to do, but it’s so fulfilling to immerse yourself in the environment, noticing what is present. And sometimes, an unexpected, unforgettable moment happens. I drove a few minutes down the road with the plan of watching the sunrise, which was looking promising (first photo in this post as it happens). As I was parking, something caught my eye - a couple of birds flying around one of the small fields. They were pale in colour, but didn’t seem to fly the way that seagulls do, which was my first thought of what the birds could be. Then I thought that maybe they could be barn owls. I’d never seen owls in this location before, but believed that others had. As I rushed to finish parking, find my camera, turn it on, attempt to choose the right settings, and quietly walk over to the field in the hope that they didn’t fly away, I realised that yes it was two barn owls hunting! It really was so exciting! One flew away to a different field, but the other one stayed, flying, soaring and hunting around the field so elegantly, so silently. I did manage to take some photos in the excitement of it all, although I am slightly sad that the close up photo isn’t completely in focus. As the sun rose, the owls did a final glide along the quarry edge before heading home, maybe to a nest? The unexpected memory of that morning will stay with me for a long time. The air was crisp, and the light was bright, but oh, the wind was chilly. I found a sheltered ledge, where I sat for a while, revelling in the sheer delight of what had just happened. As I closed my eyes, a rock pipit appeared nearby, singing and watching me curiously, surprisingly tame, feeding on morsels from the rocky ledge, blending in with the surroundings perfectly.

The end of February and this March has been graced by some beautiful sunny days, although the easterly wind has brought its chill with it. It had been a stunning day, and I wanted to make the most of it by watching the sunset on the beach. Flask of tea safely packed, I slowly ambled down towards the beach. The teasels captured my attention, as the setting sun backlit their structures perfectly. I listen to the roar of the waves, as there is a surprisingly large swell, the shingle being dragged backwards and over itself, the sound unmistakeable. I make my way to the beach, where a few other hardy souls are wrapped up warm to watch the sunset. The golden light dances and flows in liquid motion, as the mediterranean gulls float on the surface amongst the incoming jetsam and flotsam. There really is nothing better than these moments spent immersed in the landscape. Nature holds space for us all, asking nothing of us except our presence, releasing all pressure of expectation.

This is what I want my life to be about. These simple, ordinary moments, that are found right on our doorstep, with nothing asked of me, except to be myself, be present, and be grateful. The simple, slow life, spending time outdoors is so healing and calming for my nervous system, helping me decompress, accept life exactly as it is, breathe and feel connected. These small, joyful moments build up an inner wellness bank to draw on during tough times. The world’s problems are heavy, but ordinary moments in everyday life bring such joy if you let it.

I have caught myself a couple of times getting carried away on a bright, sunny day off work, trying to do ALL the things. I remind myself, that spring isn’t even here yet, there is plenty of time, and to just slow down and enjoy the moment. The dirty windows can wait one more day to be cleaned.

A slow ambling trail run along the coast path during the sunset golden hour was simply divine. As I slowly walked along to cool off, a grassy ledge tempted me to sit down. It was perfectly sheltered from the breeze, so I sat, closed my eyes, soaked in the sunlight, relaxed and took note of the sounds around me: the waves, the breeze rustling the foliage, magpies, crows, a small fishing boat and a distant conversation. Utter contentment and tranquility. The salty sea air permeates into my soul. These are the moments that heal me, and bring complete joy.

I leave the house at 06:15, enjoying the emerging daylight. I think back to the darkness in the depths of winter, with the muted, low light, and the bare bones landscape. The sky is delicately painted with peachy-pink pastel tones. The quietness of walking at dawn, the solitude, the communion with nature, without the hurriedness of human life interfering with it, always provides such peace. As the magical moment of the rising red orb arrives, I take a deep breath appreciating the miracle of being on this planet. As I stop at the viewpoint overlooking the beach cove, two robins hop nearby watching me, waiting for some tidbits of food. All I had to offer them was a bit of apple which they didn’t seem impressed with, but they seemed happy to stay and keep me company, serenading me with such a soft, quiet song. As I make my way down the many steps, I stop to sit on the bench which overlooks the beach. The sun shines perfectly on this spot in the mornings, and it was a perfect way to simply take the time to enjoy the moment.

I’ve been reading a book called ‘The good-enough life’. I haven’t finished it yet, but how much simpler would life be, if we all had a good-enough life. Enough resources for everyone, not taking more than we need, letting go of the pressure to be more, do more, be the greatest. There is more to life than the rat race. Of course, there could always be more that we all want, but firstly noticing all that you have, being grateful for it, being a generous neighbour, embracing the simple moments, living slowly - this is the essence of a good-enough life. Less individualism, more community spirit. Buying second-hand clothes, repairing items, sharing an excess of homegrown leeks with a neighbour. Simple, small actions.

I’m ready to unfurl into spring, and emerge slowly into the light, to go steadily with ease and contentment. I aspire to live an honest, good-enough life, guided by the seasons of the year and the ebb and flow of the lunar cycles. Everything I need is within me.

Spring is nearly upon us, let’s shake off winter’s darkness and prepare to let the light in. The magnolias are blooming, the spring migrants are returning, joy is in the air.

This post has evolved over time, with unexpected past memories coming to light, so reflections of these have merged with where I am at with life right now. The power of writing 🙏✨️

Sunset on the way home from work, partial lunar eclipse at 05:50, the beautiful rising sun, magnolia bloom hunting with a friend. ❤️